Contemplations and Confirmations
by Chibi Bishi
Summary: [KaRe] After a simple, thought provoking question, Kai is left pondering. Why is it that he just can't stop thinking about a certain raven haired individual?[cute, yaoi oneshot]


Bahhh. I know I should be updating my other fic, but I had to write this one-shot! It's cute though, I swear.

Haha so I was reading Invisible Monsters (great book, btw) and suddenly I had all this inspiration! I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I don't own beyblade.

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"_Why are you so selfish?"_

Hn.

It's such a simple question; one that I have been asked on numerous occasions. I should be used to this. I don't make myself out to be the 'nice guy'. I'm not **him. **I don't bother to initiate such trivial things as 'friendships' and 'relationships'. My emotions are concealed, guarded by my cold façade. There's a reason I'm dubbed the team's designated 'sour-puss'.

In a different time, in a different situation, I would have spat out a sarcastic retort before the subject was even fully asked. I think I have a filing system in my brain labeled: "Kai's answer to ridiculous F.A.Q's". Of course, these file cabinets tucked deeply inside my head must be pretty empty, not because I'm rarely asked these brainless questions, but because I have pretty much the same responses for all these inquiries. Most of them being "Because I'm the captain", "Because I'm Kai", "Fuck off and give me ten laps", and the ever so popular "Hn."

I know, I'm not the most eloquent of speakers. But it worked, and it got people lay off. Perhaps this was what gave me that loner-type disposition. Because of my notoriously spiteful attitude, people were afraid of me, they dared not to speak to me, unless they had another useless question to ask. However, **he** was different. **He **was unlike the others, somehow my very existence was unable to intimidate him, was unable to even _faze _him. **He **tried to talk to me, never bothered to ask questions, tried commence a friendship with me. But soon, it seemed that even **he **gave up on me. I really was a hopeless case after all. But, that was how I preferred it; it gave me my precious peace and quiet.

So why is it, that in that particular time, I chose to ponder the question, and give a legitimate answer?

"_It's human nature" I reply,_ _"You may not realize it, but you're being selfish right now. And __**he**__ was too."_

That conversation had ended hours ago, and yet here I am, sitting alone outside, still contemplating.

Reflexively, I swat away a fly that has landed itself on the hem of my shirt. Examining the spot, I find out that the annoying pest was still there, motionless. Preparing to flick it off, I realize that it was dead, its executioner being me.

At first, I couldn't help but feel pity towards the innocent creature. (Oh the irony.) It now lays lifeless and alone, yet its departure would not affect anyone. No one would weep for it; all it had in this world was itself. Even though its life has ended, the life of others would continue.

Just like me, I realize.

If I were to disappear, the world would not stop and cry for me. It would continue to turn, my death having no influence on it. Perhaps that is why I am selfish, because I know that my existence, everything that would ever happen to me, in the end, only affects me. The only person that I can ever rely on to feel _my _pain is _me_.

No one else matters. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but _my_ world does…

No…

No, if that were true, then why is it that all I can think about now is **him**? **His** golden eyes! **His** slender figure! **His** raven hair!

I sigh in frustration and rest my head against my knees. This must be what Tyson and Max call a "thinking cramp".

The lush field beneath me is still damp from the rain last night, soaking through the thin fabric of my baggy slacks.

_I didn't bother to move to a new spot. I didn't even care._

The cool breeze became chilly, tingling the exterior of my skin, causing goose bumps to appear in the surface.

_I didn't bother to bring a jacket. I didn't even care._

The sun was setting beyond the horizon, golden beams slowly fading. The sky began to darken, indicating the arrival of night.

_I didn't bother to even sleep last night. I didn't even care._

The heavens seamed to reflect my mood. Dark clouds loomed over me, beckoning an incoming storm.

_I didn't bother to bring an umbrella. I didn't even care._

Sighing, I ran a single hand through my unmanageable, two-toned hair. These past days have been an emotional rollercoaster, even for the likes of me, the impassive bastard. Smirking, I reflect on today's little conflict.

-----_Flashback------_

"_Why are you so selfish?" a boy with long navy hair asked dreadfully, dark eyes filled with anger. He seemed to be pleading, not for a response, but for me to comply with his unspoken quest. _

_Instead of replying confidently, indifferently and immediately, I was speechless. For the first time since we met, Takao's words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realize that I myself was wondering the same issue. Finally, after what seemed like hours, years even, I came with an answer._

"_It's human nature" I reply,_ _"You may not realize it, but you're being selfish right now. And __**he**__ was too."_

_Perhaps my words were bit harsh, but it still surprised me to see translucent tears welling up his shiny black eyes. He turned his head, blinking furiously, trying to cover up his crystal tears. He did not want to appear weak, especially not to the likes of me._

"_He…" the shorter boy whispered, trying to gather up the courage to continue, "He __**loved**__ you… he told you that he __**LOVED **__you!" he couldn't hold it in any longer, he was bawling. It didn't even matter to him that I could see him so feeble and fragile, he wanted desperately for me to understand. "You..." he gasped, "You don't…" he spoke between hiccups "even understand" another painful gasp, "how fucking lucky…you are"_

_I wait patiently for him to finish, crimson eyes softening at the pitiful sight. Calming down, he continued:_

"_You" he spoke bitterly, "What's so great about YOU!?" he laughed humorlessly. "Even though it pained me, I didn't even mind that his heart belonged to another…" he cackled harder, "But all you did was hurt him! Turn your back on him! YOU actually denied HIM? And now he's gone! I don't even know where he went! And it's all because of YOU, and YOUR selfish pride and ego!"_

_I was taken aback, surprised at his insightful little outburst. Typically, this was my cue to either look inside my little filing cabinet for an appropriate response, or just simply punch him. But I couldn't… because… because…_

_Because he was right. His speech had been a complete reflection of my own feelings. Instead of continuing the argument or defending myself, I walk past him out the door. Like always, I just run away from my problems. But before I leave, my scarlet eyes travel to his tear-stricken face, and I whisper:_

"_I know…" confirming his, as well as my own, thoughts._

-----_End Flashback------_

I growl at the memory.

It's clear that I have already established the fact that I'm a heartless bastard, so why am I still brooding over this!

It's true, what I said to Tyson. Selfishness is just one of the many traits that all human beings, scratch that, all living things in general, have in common. Even **he** is being selfish. Leaving us so abruptly, doesn't that make him just as much of a culprit as I am?

No I can't blame him…. I could never blame him.

Burying my face in my hands, I recollect all of yesterday's events.

_He told me he loved me._

For some reason, this very thought brings a small smile to my face. But it quickly turns into a frown as I remember how cruelly I replied to him. It was mostly out of fear of my own feelings that I yelled at him. Telling him harshly that his courageous little confession was going to break up the team, that he should think before he talked. Internally, I knew I was just blaming him the affect his words had on me. For every tear that he produced, I could feel my heart crumbling.

No, I could never blame him; it was my fault after all. He left because of my careless words. It was all my fault.

My vision became distorted. I felt a wet streak trickling down my face. Slowly, I brought up a hand and caressed my cheek, noticing that I was wiping off part of my signature blue stripes.

_I didn't even bother to cry at my parent's funeral. I didn't even care._

Why?

Why was I feeling this way?

Many people have confessed their love to me before. Why was this so different? Why do his words cause me such turmoil?

The sound of footsteps interrupts my self-interrogation. Who would be in the park at this hour?

My crimson orbs search the surroundings, finally noticing strands of familiar ebony hair. The owner of the locks meets my gaze, golden eyes widening in recognition, then brimming with tears.

I get ready to call out to him, but before any sound could be emitted, he turns around and flees in the other direction.

"Wait!" I cry as I stalk after him.

But my plea only makes him run even faster. I continue after him, knowing full well that he was much faster than me. But, I smirk, my endurance is far superior. Sure enough, he was beginning to slow down, panting so hard that it overpowered the sound of his footsteps.

Finally catching up to him, I grab his shoulder and slam him against the wall, arms trapping any means of escape. My eyes glaze over his face, and I couldn't help but gasp at just how beautiful this boy really was.

"What do you want, Kai?!" his melodic voice demanded, angrily, hurtfully.

The sound of his voice rendered me motionless. I suddenly forgot how to think, how to breathe. It had only been a day that I've been apart from him, but it seemed like such a long time. And now that he's back, right in front of me, I found myself craving him.

"…Why?" I managed to choke out.

"Why what?" he replied, confusion evident in his tone.

"Why do you love me?... Why me?"

"I…" he whispered "I don't know. I'm sorry but…" tears filled his eyes, "I love you, I can't help it, I just do!"

"Why…" I repeat, lowering my forehead so it was touching his, "…Why do I love you? Why do I care about you? Why do you make me have such unfamiliar feelings?"

"Whaa?…" he stammered, surprised by my declaration, "I don't… I… you… what are…"

I pull him into a deep kiss, interrupting his bewildered stuttering. It didn't take him long to respond. The contact of our lips felt so right, and I found myself yearning for more. He opened his mouth slightly, allowing my tongue entry. My hand cupped his cheek, wiping away a long, forgotten tear. His hands were gripped tightly on my shirt, as if he was afraid that if he let go, I would suddenly disappear. After about 15 minutes of exploring, we finally, regretfully, let go of our holds on each other.

I look down at him, at the smile spreading across his bruised lips. And I found myself smiling too, my emotional barriers collapsing.

_I didn't even bother to hide my emotions. I didn't even care._

"So" he started, "What made you come to this realization?"

"I was being selfish" I reply happily.

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So how was it? Please give me your input! Was it too fast? Too slow? Constructive criticism welcomed! I want to become a better writer! 


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